I Do?

“Do you want to go to New Zealand to get married?”

Well, it wasn’t exactly a proposal, but the sentiment was there.

Next February my girlfriend and I will have been together for 10 years. We actually started talking marriage after 12 months together and, at the time, I was the one to veto the idea.

Nine years ago I didn't feel that a ceremony which, in the eye of the law, would have only been a shadow of the ones my straight friends would have, was fitting.
I had spent my whole life feeling less. I felt less worthy, less loved, less valued and less respected because of my sexuality and I didn't want something which was supposed to be one of the biggest celebrations of my life to also be less.

A while back I read this post on Lucy Hallowell's blog, which was inspired by this piece by Trish Bendix. Lucy Hallowell writes about the feeling of always needing to be more than or better than to counteract the gay.

This is something I have always struggled with and it is never more obvious than in my work life. I am a yes person. When my colleagues put up their hand and say “No I won't/don't/can't take on more/do that thing/help that person", I say yes.

I say yes because I hate disappointing people and part of me will always be 17 and convinced I am a disappointment. Realistically, I know this to not be true and the energy and proficiency I bring to my regular workload, without having to go too far over and above, speaks for itself. I need to constantly remind myself of this.

So, feeling that we need to make up for our sexuality is what put me on the back foot when it came to marriage. I didn't just want to say “Yes, I'll take the watered down version, thanks”. I put my hand up and said “No. I deserve what everyone else has”.

I know many gay couples who have had fabulous weddings and I have felt incredibly privileged to be part of their beautiful ceremonies. I don't, for one moment, want invalidate their experiences.

When two people love each other enough to say “Let’s share this, let’s declare it to the world”, there is nothing more special. So, my issue is why is the piece of paper different? Those people made the same commitment and yet they are not permitted the same piece of paper as everyone else. This is where I draw the line. I'm used to feeling less, although the past 10 years have made me feel more in a way I never expected, so I want to wait until there is a balance and I can feel equal.

Five years ago my girlfriend and I registered our relationship after our State introduced some laws to offer financial protection to ‘alternative’ couples. The Significant Personal Relationships Register (or, as I like to call it, the Close Personal Friends List) ensures that if something happens to my girlfriend or me, we are able to have full access to the other’s superannuation fund. It’s also a must if you have children and wish to register both members of the couple as the parents of the newborn child.* The registration certificate (a copy of which I carry on me at all times) also allows us the peace of mind that, should an emergency situation occur, we are allowed by each other’s bedside in hospital where only blood relatives or spouses are given access.  

The thing is, though, straight people are more than welcome to register their relationships in the same way, but I don’t know any who have. Why would they choose second rate registration with second rate protections if they could get married and have all of the above covered on the right piece of paper?

So do I want to get married? Absolutely. Do I want to go to New Zealand to get married? Absolutely not. I love my country and my love for my home state is second only to my love for my family. This place is a part of me and while friends are going to other countries to get married and then touching back down in Australia where there union isn't recognized, I want to do it once and I want to do it here.

I don't know how long we'll have to wait, but my one hope is that it happens before my daughters find out that Australia rates us as less than.

My three year old recently said to me “We'll all get married one day, won't we Mama?” This makes me happy rather than filling me with concern. She said it in the same tone of voice she uses when the four of us are in the same room and she looks around and says “I love our family”.

I love our family. This is also something which my girlfriend and I say out loud regularly and whisper quietly to each other when our girls are asleep. Amid the chaos, which is having two young children, we have unexpected moments of calm and there's nothing I like more than looking up to see the same smile I have on my face, reflected on hers. A piece of paper will not affect that in any way. The type of paper and the wording will not change any part of this. It will not change the most beautiful part of my life, but we deserve the same piece of paper all the other families get.

On a day when America have declared it unconstitutional to deny same sex couples equal rights, Australia have put themselves in a position where ,by year's end, our government could well try to strip us of some of the gains we have made in recent years.

So on a day where I'm shaking my head at the state if my own country, another one has given me hope. If things don't start to look up, maybe I'll ask my girlfriend if she wants to go to American to get married because I've already been to New Zealand and if the same is available there before it is here, I might as well get a different stamp in my passport.

 

*The ‘Deemed Parenthood’ law in my state is pretty awesome. It allows both my girlfriend and I to be listed as the parents of our children, without specifying who gave birth to the child. It means gay couples do not need to adopt children born into an existing relationship.